F*** Valentine’s Day Movie Guide.

Valentine’s Day is approaching. For some of us it’s a great time to buy candy and flowers for that special someone and be as sickeningly cutesy wutesy for an entire day without getting dirty looks. For others, it’s a day of brooding and self-pity that culminates in alot of alcohol and F*** you’s to all those sickeningly cute couples. I, particularly don’t mind V-Day been having been on both sides. One thing that pisses me off though, is the generic romantic comedy. The generic rom-com is in especially high demand around this time, usually featuring two high-profile actors, a crazy-concept that’s beaten to death for laughs, lots of supporting comedian “best-friend” actors, and a by-the-numbers screenplay. Some rom-com’s can be cheesy fun and enjoyable, but I’d say about 90% is recycled drivel. The rom-com is a staple for that younger generation of couple audience looking for some cheap laughs and a happy ending. Well my friends, life isn’t always quite like that I’m afraid. If you want some ballsy drama about realistic relationship, here’s my guide to an alternative list of Valentine’s Day watching.

Closer
(For Those still bitter about being cheated on)

This is as intense, unforgiving look at four people who get entangled in different love affairs across multiple years, shot in small locations with no supporting actors, based on the popular stage play. The movie stars Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, Natalie Portman, and Jude Law who all deliver some of their best work. Owen and Portman, especially deserved Oscars. The dialogue is exceptionally well-written and each character speaks without cliche about life, love, and sex. There are no cheesy lines, no unnatural comedic moments, and no leaps of logic. This is one of the best adult love stories that might make people uncomfortable with how some moments hit too close to home.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
(For those who want to forget their most recent relationship)

One of my all-time favorite movies and one of my favorite love stories. A movie with a concept that is more science-fictiony compared to the other entries, is the story of a couple who undergo similar memory-erasing procedures to erase their respective memories of their failed relationship. Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet give some of my favorite performances in a movie shot like a documentary and takes place mostly in a dream. The movie is a head-trip but one that I’ve gained something from each time I watch it.

Revolutionary Road
(For those Hopeless Romantics, emphasis on Hopeless)

This movie is not a fun watch. Many movies shows us how two people fall in love, this shows what happens after. Love isn’t all roses and chocolates but filled with compromises and regrets. Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet show a movie about a 50′s suburban couple coming to terms with their relationship. The performances are hard to watch because of their intensity. The entire movie is a ticking time bomb that explodes into a depressing climax that leaves you in need of a shower instead of a warm, cuddly feeling.

The Break-Up
(For those still on good terms with their ex)

The funniest movie out of my picks, this film took an easy romantic comedy concept and made it an entertaining as well as mature look at the modern break-up. Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are a longtime couple who breakup, and then have to figure out who keeps their luxurious Chicago condo. The movie works primarily because of Vaughn and Aniston’s chemistry works so well, from Vaughn’s big-hearted, lazy, goofball to Aniston’s uptight, sexy, busybody. The movie also features a fantastic supporting cast, but the best part is that it takes funny dialogue and situations that you would see in a normal romantic comedy and makes it feel more like real-life and less like a script.

500 Days of Summer:
(For those fresh out of a relationship)

The most recent entry on the list. Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are two of my favorite actors and pairing of them feels natural and also why the movie works as a romantic comedy and is heartbreaking as a breakup drama. The movie shows different shifts in time to piece together the complexeties of the relationship and uses numerous stylish effects to give a unique comedic spin on the age old story of boy meets girl.

Before Sunset:
(For those rekindling their old flame)

Ethan Hawke and Julie Deply made an overlooked romance movie called Before Sunrise and almost ten years later they made a sequel showing their characters as more adult individuals at different points in their lives, who meet and spent an entire movie playing catch-up and what-if? with one another. The movie has incredible dialogue that makes the movie a ping-pong match between Hawke and Deply and makes the viewer feel like they are revisiting two old friends than watching two cardboard cut-out characters.

The Shape of Things:
(For those who have given up on dating)

The oldest of my picks. This film is the very definition of Mean-Spirited. The movie features younger performances of Paul Rudd and Rachel Weisz in a movie that is essentially a four-person stage play. The movie is much like a college version of Closer about Paul Rudd as a nerdy college student whose close friends begin to dislike the changes his art student girlfriend makes to him. The film is also like Closer where the dialogue and anguish of the characters is the most nerve-wrecking, difficult part of the film. The film eventually comes to a shattering conclusion that is one of the heartless I’ve ever seen.